Response to White Women Part II

I think there’s some expectation for me to begin this response with some form of unwavering support to the original piece:  ’It is so cliche now to see an intelligent/ well-to-do African man with a white woman’ or some other biting statement, but the truth is that this type of response is so cliche… another bitter angry annoyed black female blogger writing about black men and white women. It’s a waste of time and energy, doesn’t help anyone, and is such a bore. Although, I can relate to the sentiments discussed in the piece (and the scenarios as well), once we come down from the ‘ranting and raving’ on our soapboxes, I think there are some things to address as African women, with the role we play in ‘letting our men go to other races white women’.

My last longterm situationship ended last year and following the demise of the relationship, I had to take a hard look at the role I played in its demise. Not only because I don’t ever want to repeat the situation again, but also because I felt as though I let my fellow African sisters down. It’s a bit difficult to convey this feeling because I don’t fully understand it myself I’ve never felt a particular sense of devotion to my fellow African woman. However, in some strange way I felt as though I let the past, present, and future African woman down. Namely on my part, I contributed to the stereotype of not being able to ‘hold your African/black man down’, ‘love and take care of him like he needs’… and accordingly, I was not able to help the world see what real (educated) black/African love looks like in the 21st century. Please note before you keep reading, the only thing I am addressing in this piece is me. I am writing this in hopes that it can help someone out there, because I think we do ourselves a disservice if we’re not learning lessons from others.

When a close black guy friend read the White Women guest piece I am responding to, he sent me this:

I don’t totally agree with the premise, but it was humorous.  If I had to answer the question of what is the difference between the Black Woman and the White Woman, it is as simple as this: Black Women spend more time talking about “What I’m not going to do…” where White Women spend more time talking about “What I’m open to consider…”  Thus, they get the man they want, because they’re willing to consider things where Black Women immediately put up the no and set the ultimatum for the Black Man to take it or leave it, and we see what he usually does…Leaves it.

What’s said above is spot on. From what I’ve seen, a lot of African women are brought up with very principled backgrounds, which leads them to an attitude of ‘I don’t do this, I would never do this, I only do this this way… take it or leave it’. Like the guest blogger mentioned at the end of her piece, “I am not moving to anyone’s country where I do not speak the language, cannot cook the food and burn every time I go outside unless there are ring(s) on it…take it or leave it.” Whether it’s from watching what has occurred in their own households (how the women in their lives didn’t compromise, or did compromise and got burned); or it’s from growing up in strong christian or traditionally valued households which have framed what they believe a lady should and shouldn’t do for a man… these things play into what women give up and give in for their men.

In my personal case, I held on to things, rightly or wrongly, which I believed trumped being with him. When I was eventually ready to lay aside “my ultimatums”, it was way too late. My point here is not necessarily about being principled about certain things, but it’s more about understanding the situation. We, African women, can’t get mad when African men pass us up (because of this issue) when other white women are more willing to, for all intents and purposes, ‘sacrifice for their man’. And ladies, the amount of times I’ve heard (and said) ‘well if he loves me, he’ll oblige, and if he doesn’t…then he can get to steppn’ is beyond countless. And there is some truth to this, BUT there is also truth to the fact that you may not be giving him the chance to fall in love with you with all your barriers placed, so you can’t get mad if he doesn’t decide to stick around long enough to figure out whether he can love you.

Second thing, and this is a little paradoxical to what I just mentioned, is that for me, I didn’t demand anything in terms of commitment from the guy. And I think this is more common than not with black women. Though I wasn’t content keeping the relationship as it was, I thought because he didn’t say anything about things, I didn’t want to rock the boat… so we remained non-defined and that’s an equation which will never add up: Not requesting commitment + Having demands 1,2,3 now or before we are ever to take it to the next level = diaster. Perhaps what should have happened is a discussion of commitment and what that entails on both our parts, which would have also helped with the issue of ‘giving in’ and ‘giving up’. I think some African women put barriers in place because they don’t have the commitment they want or they are scared that they won’t get the commitment they want if they let down their guard. This is not to say the fear isn’t unfounded, but at the end of the day love is an art not a science… you go all in and try. When Beyonce said, ‘if you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it’, I don’t think she meant neglect telling a man what you want in terms of commitment before the ring stage. And I’m not saying to do this to any guy, but this is for a guy who you believe is serious about a relationship with you.

Of course this is my one-dimensional take on things, and I have not exhausted the list of my faults in the relationship, but I think these two things stand out as dear lessons learned, which I thought I would pass on to my fellow African woman. So no Kanye, ‘he didn’t leave my a$$ for a white girl’, really he just left my a$$, period. At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter what color the new girl is, because it’s less about that than it is about what the two of you couldn’t do and be for each other. White women aren’t stealing African men as much as they are offering them something ‘WE’ won’t or don’t. Until we’re willing to change that, or at the very least acknowledge it, we can’t be mad when another bites the dust.

—

I must separately address this idea of not being African enough or foreign enough, because it’s so intriguing to me. I have to say that unfortunately for me, I was privy to this guy’s thoughts about our compatibility after the fact… and I was indeed hit with the ‘you wouldn’t fit in with the fam’ chorus… so it was a little fascinating to see that family compatibility would exist with a white woman. However, the one foot in/one foot out explanation makes a little sense now. It is excusable when a foreigner acts as a foreigner, but when someone brought up in an African household acts as a foreigner, perhaps traditional families are less forgiving with this. This is definitely a topic to continue exploring… I wonder readers, what’s your experience on African men opting out of relationships with African women who are too foreign?

On an ending note, perhaps me and ms. guest blogger should be encouraging our fellow African women to become more open to scenarios such as the one on the right **KanYe Shrug** ->

Men are from Mars, Afua is from …Pluto?

I just had one of the weirdest occurrences tonight… apologies in advance, this post might be a little convoluted.

I’ve been away traveling for a bit, and it’s been a very exhausting week AND weekend for me. After arriving at home and noticing that I did not have my keys to my place, one of my first reactions naturally was to call the guy I’m seeing and begin lamenting about my afternoon and not having my keys and wanting only just to be in my bed, etc etc etc. Which I proceeded to do: “babe, get this…I don’t have my keys… no, no one’s at home… no, no one’s going to be back until…  and both my phones are about to die, so how am I going to…. and…” It continues like this for another few minutes. After I ‘finished’ my story, which quite honestly could be up for an oscar given it’s embellishments and exaggerations, I come up for air only to hear, ‘Ok, do you what me to go pick up the key for you from …” The next few exchanges that take place in my head are yet to be fully digested… dive in with me as I revisit my thoughts:

…. wait, what?… I don’t get it.

Why are you…why are you talking…

No, aaa… no I don’t want you to do anything

Did I ask you to do anything for me…

Again, why are you asking me such asinine questions

I’m. actually. not. finished. my. story. so. why. are. you. talking.

I don’t understand what’s going on here…

Yes. That’s pretty much the gist of what took place in my head… the more obscure thing was the simultaneous ‘conversation’ that also took place in my head…

friend*, you realize he’s being thoughtful and only wanting to help

why are you overreacting??

…are you okay?…

omg, what is wrong with you?

As I was having dueling conversations with myself, I managed to respond out loud with a simple, ‘no it’s okay, I’ll figure it out’. The sad thing was I was in a hurry to hang up the phone not to figure out how and when I could get into my apartment, but rather to figure out what the heck was going on with me.

It would seem only logical for a person to offer assistance when a problem has been communicated to them, right? So why was I so annoyed with his response. I was annoyed because I didn’t ask for it… as strange as that sounds. I called for his ear, I called so that I could talk out my problems to someone and be heard. What’s even more irritating is the fact that it wasn’t rocket science to solve my problem, so of course I could solve it myself.

…

I have a “work husband” who I complain about work to ALLLL the time. It took him a little while to figure out how to react to me, but it’s so interesting now…he’s figured out when to sit quietly…with an ‘uh huh’ and an ‘I understand’ from time to time, and when to offer actual input to the conversation. He’s actually told me that he’s learned more about how to treat women from working with me than in any relationship he’s been in before… You’re welcome, work husband.

…

Back to the point of my story… women can be so confusing. Half the time we don’t know what we want. In another turn of events, tonight I would have been just as annoyed if he hadn’t offered to help. Men, I think the best advice I can offer is to make an effort to learn more about your woman…because she is from Venus… or in my case, pluto….. a planet that doesn’t even exist. Take the time to understand when it’s appropriate to be a silent participant to the conversation and when it’s time to give feedback and solutions, and it will be well with you…. most of the time.

*this is myself talking to myself.

What’s Your Flirting Style?

Before I begin, I’d like to say a big Happy Birthday to co-founder, Yaw Boateng! From all of us at Bandeka, we hope you have a fabulous day!

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You’ll never get a second chance for a first impression, they say. So what are you doing when you’re in a social setting and looking to meet a certain someone (or someones)?

“the very early part of developing relationships is important to the success of long-term relationships, including marriages.”*

How’s your flirting/networking style? Are they producing the results you want? Regardless of whether you’re a timid person or mr/ms popular, there are various approaches to being sociable. Perhaps dissecting how you find, attract, and communicate who you are and what you want will help you produce results you want.

Personally, I am not the most comfortable in social settings where one has to continually mingle around making small talk. As social as I can be at times, I find these settings so much work whereas others find it quite natural. I have my moments of being social, but I would never say that I am the life of the party, however I’ve come to realize that I don’t need to be in order to network effectively and also to meet someone of the opposite sex. You have to find what is most comfortable to you, and what you would like the outcome of your interaction to be: are you looking for a number? Someone interesting to chat with just for the evening? A business partner? Or your other half?

According to a study*, which surveyed over 5,000 dating adults about how they communicate romantic interest, there are five distinct types of flirting. More importantly, these types of flirting are associated with different relationship outcomes:

“Traditional flirting thinks men should make the first move, and women should not pursue men…. Compared to men with other flirting styles, traditional men tend to know someone for a longer time before asking them out. Both genders are likely to be introverted preferring quiet, intimate settings to large social scenes.

Playful flirting seems to enjoy the game, flirting is for fun and self-esteem. This style is less likely to result in important or meaningful relationships, (for obvious reasons).

Physical flirting communicates sexual interest. This style of flirting is a quick way to develop a relationship with sexual chemistry and emotional connection.

Polite flirting uses nonsexual communication and proper manners. People with this style of flirting take a slow approach, and don’t find flirting flattering. They tend to have meaningful relationships.

Sincere flirting expresses genuine interest and creates emotional connections. People with this style of flirting tend to have relationships that involve strong emotional connection, and sexual chemistry- these tend to be meaningful relationships.”**

Does your flirting style express who you are and what you’re looking for? Does this also help you pick up the signals of others- ie. maybe s/he is just looking for a great conversation for the night, not someone to take home to mom. I will follow up on this blog with specific flirting (and networking tips), so be on the look out for that soon!

DON’T FORGET TO CLICK BELOW TO CONNECT WITH US!

   

*Jeffrey Hall and Steve Carter, 2010 October issue of Communication Quarterly- http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/news/20101101/5-flirting-styles-what-type-of-flirt-are-you

**http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/time-out/201011/whats-your-flirting-style

What You’re Putting in Your Mouth May Not be Good for Your Love Life

A Little Weekend Fun!

For some reason, whenever I travel to Africa I always drink a lot tonic water. It’s an odd desire because I don’t drink tonic water in the US nor do I have a desire for bitter tasting drinks in general. In any case, on my last trip to the continent a colleague decided to educate me on the bad side-effects of tonic water. Bad side effects? Yes. As he read off the list of side-effects of Quinine, or the flavoring agent in tonic water, my ears perked up as soon as he said, ‘lowers libido’…errrrmmm… glass down. ‘Hmm.. that could be a problem.’

So I started to google what foods and drinks lower a person’s libido, just for bandeka users myself. From the following websites: http://www.11points.com/Food-Drink/11_Foods_That_Just_Might_Kill_Your_Sex_Drive and http://www.besthealthmag.ca/eat-well/nutrition/5-foods-that-lower-your-libido?slide=1 , I pulled out a few items below.

1. Corn Flakes

Developed by Seventh-Day Adventists including Dr. John Harvey Kellogg, who thought a bland, sugarless, meatless breakfast would be the key to keeping down the urges.

2. Quinine (found in tonic water)

Quinine, used as a flavoring agent in tonic water, is naturally derived from the bark of the cinchona tree and has been used for centuries for its anti-malarial properties. Unfortunately, it has also been linked to lowering testosterone levels.

3. Soy

Soy Beans are very rich in a number of nutrients including protein and vitamins A and B… but eaten in excessive quantity, soy can also lower testosterone levels.

4. Mint

Mints and mint oils are flavored with menthol, which can reduce testosterone and, in general, “cool” off your body.

5. Graham Crackers

Developed by Sylvester Graham, a Presbyterian Minister in the 1820s. Graham had a similar thought process as Harvey *see number 1.

6. Licorice

Consumption of licorice has been linked to lower levels of testosterone in both genders. (Although, you’d probably have to eat almost an entire tub of it to do that).

The list is definitely not exhaustive, but some of the things kind of make you think twice, no? Make sure you really know what are the effects of your ‘good’ eats

Love Advice From Those Who Have Been There And Done That

One of our first blog posts, ‘The Secrets to Love…as told by some smart young kids’, continues to be one of the most popular among readers. I’m not sure if this is due to mere curiosity, or the fact that you all like to read the thoughts of innocent children who haven’t been corrupted by society yet. In any case, I came across this NYT article on advice from some smart ‘old’ kids, and I thought I would share  The article is based on a book, “30 Lessons for Living”, which offers practical advice on life from over 1,000 interviews with older Americans from various economic, educational, and vocational backgrounds. The author writes, “For far too many people, the learning [process] comes too late to help them avoid painful mistakes and decades of wasted time and effort. In recent years, or example, many talented young people have denied their true passions, choosing instead to pursue careers that promise fast and big monetary gains. High rates of divorce speak to an impulsiveness to marry and a tenuous commitment to vows of “till death do us part.” I’ve copied the piece on marriage below.

A satisfying marriage that lasts a lifetime is more likely to result when partners are fundamentally similar and share the same basic values and goals. Although romantic love initially brings most couples together, what keeps them together is an abiding friendship, an ability to communicate, a willingness to give and take, and a commitment to the institution of marriage as well as to each other.

An 89-year-old woman who was glad she stayed in her marriage even though her young husband’s behavior was adversely affected by his military service said, “Too many young people now are giving up too early, too soon.”

For more advice on love and marriage from the participants in the study, visit: http://legacyproject.human.cornell.edu/category/love-and-marriage/

Don’t forget connect with us! —> Like us, Follow us, Join our new LinkedIn group!

    

Why Do Men Cheat?

Why not just break up with me? Why would you rather cheat? These are all too common cheating questions for women. So Bandeka is tackling this very issue for you THIS WEEK. Using our PillowTalk feature, we at Bandeka have spent the past month gathering honest responses from men to answer some of the burning questions we have received from women, and now we’re ready to share them with our members! I spent some time in my last post talking about the importance of having honest men in your life to tell you the truth about your relationship issues. However, not every woman has this (some don’t have these kind of men in their lives and some don’t use them for advice). So particularly for YOU, we at Bandeka have come to the rescue! MAKE SURE to check out the results of our first question on cheating at www.bandeka.com this THURSDAY!!! Two things I can guarantee you: you won’t like all the answers, BUT you will get some understanding into the mind of (most) men.

One of the co-founders of Bandeka is currently reading ‘Half of a Yellow Sun’ by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, and he sent me an intriguing snippet from the book:

“I can’t go back to his house aunty”

“I am not asking you to go back to his house.  I said you will go back to Nsukka.  Do you not have your own flat and your own job?  Odenigbo has done what all men do and inserted his penis in the first hole he could find when you were away.  Does that mean somebody died?”

Olanna had stopped fanning herself and could feel the sweaty wetness on her scalp.

“When your uncle first married me, I worried because I thought those other women outside would come and displace me from my home.  I now know nothing he does will make my life change.  My life will change only if I want it to change.”

“What are you saying, Aunty?”

“He is very careful now, since he realized that I am no longer afraid.  I have told him that if he brings disgrace to me in any way, I will cut off that snake between his legs.”

Aunty Ifeka went back to her stirring, and Olanna’s image of their marriage began to come apart at the seams.

“You must never behave as if your life belongs to a man.  Do you hear me?” Aunty Ifeka said.  ”Your life belongs to you and you alone”

There are so many things I cannot begin to comprehend about this exchange, however no matter how dumbfounded I am by this idea of condoned (habitual) cheating, it’s a reality the some people have to face. What I think I am most intrigued and disturbed about is the encouragement of a family member to stay in a relationship where this is taking place. It could be my naiveté, but should the way in which a man cheats matter? And can any woman really claim that their man “respects” them just because he’s not cheating out in the open?

Thoughts?? I’m also wondering whether this is something that is unique to the African culture, or whether all cultures deal with this dilemma?

In the near future we will be showcasing additional answers to burning questions from women, including:

• What do men look for in a wifey?
• Why would a black man prefer to date a non-black woman?
• Do men expect a certain level of domestication?

If you have any burning questions, please use our PillowTalk feature and ask us ANYTHING. Or you can send us an email at talktous@bandeka.com.

Why Women Should Listen To The Advice of Men

We have some really interesting features coming up on www.bandeka.com, and I would encourage you to email us at talktous@bandeka.com if you’re currently not on the site. This weekend I was having a chat with the co-founders of Bandeka and they were telling me how frustrating it is when women ask for relationship advice, but then don’t believe them when they tell them the honest truth. A common exchange being: “Well, how do you know? He’s different…” “….aaaa, I know. I’M A GUY!” I think it’s true that a lot of women don’t take advice from men in their lives, because honestly the truth hurts. Women like to think their situation is different, but men think very similarly, and unfortunately “he’s different” is rarely the case. When I look back at times when I was confused about a guy or situation, the majority of the time consultation with a guy friend ended up being spot on (whether I listened or not).

In this Clutch article, the author Felicia Pride writes about receiving advice from her dad about why her most recent relationship just fizzled – and particularly why this scenario keeps repeating itself.

“For the first time in my 30+ years, I asked my father for advice about relationships, and gasp, men. Call me desperate. I was. But I figured, after 64 years on the planet, he knew something about what makes his kind tick. And well, we’ve developed a relationship over the years where sugarcoating is unnecessary. I knew he was going to give it to me straight.“

His advice is probably spot on with what most men would say to a woman in Felicia’s situation:

Act like you don’t give a sh*t.

Felicia’s response is also spot on with how most women in her situation would react:

“That’s not how I am,” I pleaded with my father. “If I like someone, I like him. I don’t want to play games.”

The next sequence of events may differ from woman to woman, but I would bet Felicia’s first reaction is also spot on with most women in her situation:

1. Originally, I dismissed my father’s advice. 2. Until, as part of an attempt to demystify my love life, I asked my ex-boyfriend why he broke up with me: “You were too accessible,” he said… 3. I took in his words. Listened. No judgment. Just tried to learn.

Since then, Felicia has gone against her instincts and taken the advice of her father to become less available in her dating life: “I [call] back when I [call] back. I [respond] to texts when I [get] around to it. I [hang] out with guys occasionally, when the mood [hits].” And according to her, “As much as I hate to admit this, there [is] a power in it all. I [am] in control of my feelings instead of the other way around.”

So are you going to start taking the advice of the men in your life? Make sure to check out www.bandeka.com! We are going to start addressing some of your burning relationship questions, bandeka-style

Now that You’re a Grown-Up, it’s Time to Date Like One

If we were really honest with ourselves, we would have to admit that with age doesn’t always come wisdom. Every now and then we need to be reminded of proper dating etiquette, so I’m dropping off some reminders of how to act like an adult while dating. Madamenoire lays down the law with 6 love rules you SHOULD have learned in high school: http://madamenoire.com/68118/love-rules-you-should-have-learned-in-high-school

1. Telling Messy Friends Your Business

“Your friends are essential for both support and encouragement. When you were young and didn’t know better, you told ALL your friends EVERYTHING…  As an adult, you should know to be more selective about where you seek counsel. There are some friends that WILL tell your business and some that just give bad advice.”

2. Fighting over a Man (or Woman)

“Some slick pretty boy might have played you against another girl in high school, but why is this still happening now you’re grown?… It’s childish, crass and not what a confident, grown woman [or man] would do.”

3.  Blowing up his (her) phone 

“A grown woman knows that if a man is not answering his phone it’s for one of three reasons: 1) He’s busy 2)He doesn’t want to talk to you 3)He’s dead. Continuously calling his phone will not change any of the above conditions. All it does is make you look desperate and/or needy. If he doesn’t pick up, leave 1 message or 1 text. If he cares about you, he will call you back.” Same goes for her.

4. Trying To Purposefully Make Him Jealous 

“When you were in high school…you flirted with his friends and sent yourself flowers in homeroom. Now you’re an adult, you should know that all these games are immature and unnecessary. If a man loves you, you cannot get rid of him. If you need to trick him into paying attention to you, he’s not that into you.”

5. Being too Available 

“In high school, you may have left your homework undone and dissed your friends just to spend quality time with your boo. Now that you’re grown, you should know to keep your life balanced. Your entire existence shouldn’t revolve around your man [woman]. You should tend to your love life, but also value your friendships and take care of all your work obligations.”

                   6. Accepting Poor Manners

“In high school, you may have tolerated him rolling up and beeping the horn for a date. Maybe as a teenager you may have even thought it was OK for him to ignore you when he was around his friends. Now that you’re an adult, you should demand the proper respect from any man you spend time with. He should be a gentleman and show deference.” Likewise she should act like a lady and show respect.

So how do you fare? Do you think anything else is missing from this list? All I can say now is, ‘since we know better, we must do better.’

A Sprint to the Alter- Taking a Page out of the Kardashian Book

You must have been living under a rock for the past few months if you haven’t heard about Kim Kardashian’s wedding on August 20th. Kardashian wed Kris Humphries in a lavish style wedding- reports say it cost between 10-17 million dollars; the wedding aired on E! last night and will air again tonight. I knew the couple had not been together for a long time before they got engaged, but I was surprised to learn that it was only for 6 months (Kim had dated Reggie Bush on and off for three years previously). For Kim’s dating history, visit here.

Quick engagements and marriages isn’t new to the Kardashian family: Kim’s younger sister, Khloe got married to NBA player Lamar Odom almost one month to the day they met. Though this is not the case here, studies show that marriages resulting from online dating have shorter courtship periods, so I am wondering: is there a minimum amount of time you need to date someone before you know that they’re ‘the one’? And with age, does this time shorten?

I love reading relationship pieces by male authors, so here’s a very frank article on how long a woman should date a guy before getting him to commit: http://www.singleblackmale.org/2011/09/01/commit-or-die-even-good-relationships-should-have-an-expiration-date.

The discussion was sparked following a couple tweets:

@WisdomIsMisery: I’m thinking there is no reason to date a man over the age of 25 longer than 12 months if you want a ring from him. There, I said it.

@WisdomIsMisery: If you’re still “seeing where things go” on the 13th month. BREAK UP. You’re wasting your time.

What do you think? The author of the article, who is also the author of the tweets, makes some good arguments in this piece:

By 25, you should know the type of woman/man you do not want to date. You may need more time to determine the type of woman/man you want to be with but if you can’t figure out the type of people you do not want to be with you are behind the learning curve

Ladies, if a man is dating you for 12 months and he does not know what he wants from you (assuming you know what you want from him), another 12 – 36 months will not help.

I’m going to be honest with the ladies – fellas forgive me – the average man knows where he wants a relationship to go in 48 hours (or less). —> really?  I hope to address this in a subsequent post.

A man knows long before a woman whether he is going to commit to her or not…Often times, however, he will put off the inevitability of his decision for as long as possible, especially if you are not forcing him to choose. If a relationship was a boat, men are the captain. They know the destination but that doesn’t mean they have to tell you…

…the longer you date a man in an undefined relationship the odds of you ever getting a commitment from him decrease, not increase. Nine times out of 10, if a grown man is keeping you around, while refusing to commit, it’s because he is looking for something better.

Why else would he do it? Who is this guy, Barack Obama? What is he doing that is so important in his life that he cannot commit to you but he can do everything BUT commit? If he sincerely thought you were irreplaceable, why on God’s green Earth would he risk losing you? I’ll answer: He doesn’t think you’re going anywhere and he is likely looking for an upgrade; give him enough time and he will find one.

In closing, if you want a commitment, date men that want to commit and hold them accountable. It’s really that simple.

It seems quite simple to me. I have some comments regarding this article, but this post is already quite long. As the author points out, the average US man will marry by 28 and the average US woman by 27, so it makes sense not to waste time in pointless relationships after 25. Chew over it and let me know your thoughts, have you ever been in this situation before? Did it work out? Do you know others who have? Guys, is this pretty much on the money?

Online Dating 101

A few weeks ago, for my first post I talked about online dating do’s and don’ts. I thought I would return to the subject given that Bandeka will soon be launching some cool new features in a few weeks. I actually spent the weekend testing these out, and I’m really excited! I can’t wait until everything goes live . I thought for this post I would give you a couple quick words of wisdom to make your experience on Bandeka as successful as possible when you join the site!

1. Your Profile Picture Matters!

Call it shallow/ superficial, but it is true. Your profile picture is the first thing people see, and it is what they base their decision on when it comes to clicking on your profile or clicking ‘next’. Because your picture is the first representation of you, it’s only logical to put your best foot forward; it’s not until your foot is in the door that that amazing guy or gal can “get to know your personality”. Note: if your best foot isn’t a recent foot, use some discretion, but stay true to yourself – no one likes a bait-and-switch situation.

Our friends over at okcupid made a comment that I cannot agree with more: “an unfortunate truth of online dating: no matter how much time you spend polishing your profile, honing your IM banter, and perfecting your message introductions, it’s your picture that matters most.”*

2. Your Messaging Matters!

A couple months ago, there was a hilarious piece featured on CNN on online dating. The authors discuss seven types of messagers that do NOT get message replies on dating sites. I’ve listed the types below, given an example of each, and provided a quick explanation of why no one wants these types of messagers. For more, read the full article here:

1. The Generalizer: “hey, wuts up?”

-> You’re probably stupid. Or possibly illiterate.

2. The Autobiographer: ”Hi! My name is Sandi! I moved to L.A. from Oklahoma a couple of months ago and, I have to say, I’m lovin’ it! I just adore walking my 6-year-old Pomeranian, Marshmallow, along Venice Beach!”

-> Well, what else is there to find out? We kind of feel like we’ve already dated you, and we were bored the first time around.

3. The ‘Eccentric’:  “Holy Cheezburgers! You sure are a purty lady! I would love to take you down to the playground and push you on the swings! And then we can go to the zoo! Or to the ocean to build a giant sand castle by the sea!”

-> We are afraid you will murder us in our sleep.

4. The Robot: ”Hi! I came across your profile and it intrigued me. I’m looking for a smart man with passion and drive, and you seem to be it! Want to get a drink sometime?”

->You probably sent the same message to half of OKCupid … and Match.com … and eHarmony … and JDate… (AND BANDEKA!).

5. The Creeper:  ”Oh, here’s a picture of my junk.”

-> Cease and desist with the sexting.

6. The Gusher: “Oh my, you are extremely handsome, you know that? Like, you look like a movie star! And you like all of my favorite books! ‘The Da Vinci Code!’ “

-> Kindly detach yourself from my leg. Calling someone “sexy,” “beautiful” or “hot” is a huge turnoff in a first message.

7. The Wordless Wonder: “You have been added to PatrickBatemanIsTheMan’s Favorite’s List!”

-> Man up and say something

*http://blog.okcupid.com/index.php/your-looks-and-online-dating