What a Black Woman Has to Say About Submission… You Might Be Surprised.

I think one of the most dreaded words for an independent woman is ‘submit’. I don’t need to go into much detail as to why some independent women dread this word/concept within the context of a committed relationship, but I want you to take a look at the short video below and see how you feel about Shanel Cooper’s take on submission. Is there really power in being submissive as a woman?

In the clip below, the author of ‘Stilettos in the Kitchen’ lays out the traditional roles of women and men as follows:

Traditional roles of womanhood: taking care of home, cooking, taking care of your children, nurturing, teaching, loving, uplifting, taking care of your man.

Traditional roles of manhood: Protect, provide, conquer, be strong, provide a home for a woman to nurture and love.

Is there something to say about the traditional roles of men and women in a relationship, or have we moved past that in the 21st century? Can men and women have successful relationships with altered roles, or are the traditional roles just the way things are supposed to be?

A rhetorical question was posed in this BellaNaija article* that I thought I would pose to you as well: “How is it that after I have had the same job shift as my husband I am meant to come home to the cooking and cleaning and he comes home to the sofa and latest Manchester United scores?”

**Pay close attention to 2:08-3:17

* If the article doesn’t open at first, refresh the page.

A Sprint to the Alter- Taking a Page out of the Kardashian Book

You must have been living under a rock for the past few months if you haven’t heard about Kim Kardashian’s wedding on August 20th. Kardashian wed Kris Humphries in a lavish style wedding- reports say it cost between 10-17 million dollars; the wedding aired on E! last night and will air again tonight. I knew the couple had not been together for a long time before they got engaged, but I was surprised to learn that it was only for 6 months (Kim had dated Reggie Bush on and off for three years previously). For Kim’s dating history, visit here.

Quick engagements and marriages isn’t new to the Kardashian family: Kim’s younger sister, Khloe got married to NBA player Lamar Odom almost one month to the day they met. Though this is not the case here, studies show that marriages resulting from online dating have shorter courtship periods, so I am wondering: is there a minimum amount of time you need to date someone before you know that they’re ‘the one’? And with age, does this time shorten?

I love reading relationship pieces by male authors, so here’s a very frank article on how long a woman should date a guy before getting him to commit: http://www.singleblackmale.org/2011/09/01/commit-or-die-even-good-relationships-should-have-an-expiration-date.

The discussion was sparked following a couple tweets:

@WisdomIsMisery: I’m thinking there is no reason to date a man over the age of 25 longer than 12 months if you want a ring from him. There, I said it.

@WisdomIsMisery: If you’re still “seeing where things go” on the 13th month. BREAK UP. You’re wasting your time.

What do you think? The author of the article, who is also the author of the tweets, makes some good arguments in this piece:

By 25, you should know the type of woman/man you do not want to date. You may need more time to determine the type of woman/man you want to be with but if you can’t figure out the type of people you do not want to be with you are behind the learning curve

Ladies, if a man is dating you for 12 months and he does not know what he wants from you (assuming you know what you want from him), another 12 – 36 months will not help.

I’m going to be honest with the ladies – fellas forgive me – the average man knows where he wants a relationship to go in 48 hours (or less). —> really?  I hope to address this in a subsequent post.

A man knows long before a woman whether he is going to commit to her or not…Often times, however, he will put off the inevitability of his decision for as long as possible, especially if you are not forcing him to choose. If a relationship was a boat, men are the captain. They know the destination but that doesn’t mean they have to tell you…

…the longer you date a man in an undefined relationship the odds of you ever getting a commitment from him decrease, not increase. Nine times out of 10, if a grown man is keeping you around, while refusing to commit, it’s because he is looking for something better.

Why else would he do it? Who is this guy, Barack Obama? What is he doing that is so important in his life that he cannot commit to you but he can do everything BUT commit? If he sincerely thought you were irreplaceable, why on God’s green Earth would he risk losing you? I’ll answer: He doesn’t think you’re going anywhere and he is likely looking for an upgrade; give him enough time and he will find one.

In closing, if you want a commitment, date men that want to commit and hold them accountable. It’s really that simple.

It seems quite simple to me. I have some comments regarding this article, but this post is already quite long. As the author points out, the average US man will marry by 28 and the average US woman by 27, so it makes sense not to waste time in pointless relationships after 25. Chew over it and let me know your thoughts, have you ever been in this situation before? Did it work out? Do you know others who have? Guys, is this pretty much on the money?

Is There an Age of Commitment for Men?

On the heels of my “Can Women Plan to Find a Man?” post last week, a friend sent me a message that I thought I would share:

Check this out: LINK HERE . You don’t need to buy the book as these notes are amazing. but you are right. the women who get married are those who have the agenda and force the guy to marry. I said I’d never been one of those women. I’m sorry. I want someone who wants to be with me not someone who thinks “well I guess I’ll marry her”.

The link above directs you to a bullet point summary of the book, ‘Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others’. Aside from the fact that the book confirms this notion of women having to make marriage a priority if they want to get married, I was intrigued by the second set of notes, which discuss a man’s age of commitment. I would encourage you to skim through all the notes, but in the meantime I’ve copied the specific section below. Guys, can you confirm or deny any of the following claims? And ladies, if these numbers are roughly accurate, are you dating your ‘age appropriate guy’? Make sure to take our quick poll below!

• Most men will not consider marriage before they reach the age of commitment
  • For 80% of high school graduates, 23
  • For 80% of college graduates, 26
  • For college men, the high-commitment period is 28-33
  • For men who go to graduate school, 30-36
  • After the age of 37-38, the chances that he’ll commit drops dramatically. After 43, it drops even more
  • A 40+ man who has been married before is more likely to remarry than an equivalent bachelor is to marry
• Most men will not contemplate marriage until they have been working and living as independent adults for several years (hence the high-commitment periods)
• Men become likely to marry after they become uncomfortable with the singles scene
  • E.g. They realize that they’ve become the sleazy old guys who hang out at the bars and hit on younger girls
• Men do have a biological clock, based on their desire to be an active father (especially to their sons)

The Single Black Male blog discussed a man’s age of commitment just last week in a post entitled, ‘The Male Marrying Age…Explained”:

When a man has decided he is ready for marriage, he enters marriage mode. The way he thinks about women and relationships changes.  Suddenly the allure of the game is less appealing.  The club might not be as fun. Intelligent conversation might actually matter again.  And the days of dating 8 months before you get a title are gone. Either you are in wifey consideration … or [you're not].

Ladies, we want to know whether the age of a man influences your decision to date or marry him: would you date or marry someone younger than you? Take our fun polls below!