Month: August 2012

Poll [Results] Wednesday – 7/18/2012

Could You Be Celibate For Your Partner?

Let’s be clear before you read the results: I. don’t. believe. them.

I’m thinking it could have been the wording of the options (a friend noted that of course no one wants to be the douche that says, ‘hell no’). My other thought is that maybe people actually believe they could wait (…though they’ve never done so before), or maybe they believe they wouldn’t have to wait long – however, what are you doing a year out from now without sex?? Honestly how long could you ‘sex isn’t life or death’ers’ wait? OR, perhaps single people who aren’t having sex right now believe that they could keep up the same song and dance for someone they really like.

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*The original poll was posted on July 3rd, 2012, https://loveafrican.wordpress.com/2012/07/03/is-abstinence-celibacy-making-a-come-back 

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A Tale of 2 Women

Having witnessed a flood of people getting engaged and married in the last 6months, I think I’m going to start a mini-series on marriage… so here begins the first piece. Enjoy!

If I had a dollar for the number of times I’ve heard of a young African couple getting married abruptly, and then <9months later welcoming a new child into their home, I probably wouldn’t be rich, but at least middle class status 🙂 There’s no judgment, but I do find the differences in the African approach and the American approach to pregnancy before marriage quite intriguing.

Take Lady #1- a woman in her mid-20s who has been dating her bf for a few yrs. They were married this past year and recently had a child. The kicker isn’t that people know the couple got married because she was pregnant, but rather that it is common knowledge that this lady got pregnant on purpose because the guy was taking a long time to marry her.

Take Lady #2- a woman in her early 30s dating a man in his mid-30s for a couple years. Recently she has become restless about the guy not wanting to make a decision about getting married (his MO being, ‘what we have is good, let’s just continue what we’re doing). Her response has been, ‘I’m about to be out of this piece, why wait on someone who is just wasting my time?’

The stories are loosely based on the lives of women I know. I don’t think I have to tell you which of the two women is African either*. Again no judgment. Although there are some differences in age and how long each woman has been in their relationship, I think its okay to compare the two (dating for 5yrs in your mid-20s can be some-what comparable to dating for 2yrs in your 30s). Knowing the 2nd woman very well, I know she is very serious when she says she’ll be out very soon if this guy doesn’t express interest in marriage soon (and side note: I fully agree with her stance- in your 30s, after dating for 2yrs, you need not to be taking a ‘let’s see where this goes’ stance). This lady would NEVER, and I can emphatically say NEVER dream of getting pregnant to corner her bf into marrying her- she just wouldn’t.

Men hold out on marriage for various reasons (not ready financially, finishing school, looking to get to a certain place in their career), but sometimes it simply comes down to the belief that there could be something better out there. So if your guy gives you that spiel, should your action plan be to reel him in (through various means, including pregnancy), or should you let him go? Thoughts?

UPDATE on post – since I initially began writing this piece, lady #2 has in fact ended her relationship, and has a new fabulous bf who is serious about marriage.

*people, please no hate mail on this. I know American women get pregnant on purpose to trap their men too. However, from what I have seen, African men are more likely to respond to pregnancy with a proposal than American men. Correct me if I am wrong though.