Let’s continue from where I left off HERE. There are a few things I’ve picked up from my former heart breaking ways, and I thought I would share:
1. Do not be fooled by the act, men are emotional too.
Although it manifests itself differently (and perhaps less frequently), men are also emotional- and I would dare say that when they’re emotional, the intensity can be much more than women. In my former life, I used the phrase, ‘he’s a man, he’ll be alright/ he’ll get over it’ a little too much… But the truth is he might not get over it (for a while). And just because he may not discuss it anymore, doesn’t mean he’s gotten over it. Men don’t have a memory like women in terms of breath, but they have memory in terms of depth (for the things they want to remember). So when you’re treating him anyhow and thinking it doesn’t matter, think again…
2. Break it off quick and as painless as possible when you’re not feeling it anymore.
Dragging something out that you know won’t work is bad for all parties. This is usually where I get into trouble. Leading a man on inadvertently, even if you’ve had a conversation to end it, creates mixed messages. This includes, but is not limited to: continuing to text/whatsapp/call (or respond), and continuing to see him. Actions speak louder than words and
human brings men just need a little attention to rev back up… especially if its physical/sexual attention. We women have an almost unfair advantage because of our autonomy (and the effect it has on men) so we shouldn’t use it irresponsibly. Sometimes you need to be the strong-willed one for the both of you.
3. No matter how small social circles can be,
stay away run with all fear and trembling from people within close networks.
Don’t do friends or extended family. I find that men are sensitive about this stuff way more than women are… I think it’s something to do with their territorial instincts. The thing is their feelings won’t manifest in the same way (see #1), but one day it might just blow up in your face. As difficult as this can be in African cities where the number of eligible 20- and 30- somethings is minuscule and everyone knows everyone, just try to play in different sandboxes as much as possible.
4. There are some unforgiveables, such as family.
*Le sigh*. I think I wrote about this from the woman’s perspective once, but on the flip side know your man and what his no-go areas are. That childhood memory you are not to mention, or that estranged relationship you should never bring up, just don’t. If a man trusts you enough to open up and share something with you and you use it against him, best believe there will be consequences to your actions. I’ve seen men go back to women who cheated on them while cutting off with the quickness and with no warning a girl who spoke (in their minds) negatively about their mama’s, plain and simple. So just don’t do it (see #1 again).
5. And, speaking of cheating. There will ALWAYS be a double standard applied when it comes to cheating.
There are no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it, a woman cheating will always be a bigger deal than a man cheating. Women, please advise yourselves: loyalty and commitment are
just as more important to some men.
6. And along those lines, exclusivity does not have to be explicitly stated for some men (see territorial piece again).
“Well I didn’t know this was exclusive, we’re just hanging out, right…?” You can see why
folks I get in trouble here.
7. Ladies is pimps too, period.
I don’t need to elaborate.
Not all the things I’ve picked up on the way are applicable to me, I’ll say. And to redeem myself a little from my earlier admissions: though I am a little more calculated and a little less emotional than most females, I have been in love before. Despite what some
exes people believe, I am not a robot. When I do fall for someone, I become more estrogen-esque. I’m working on things though, because I know men people need attention and affirmation. And even though men complain about women nagging, there’s a healthy level of neediness that they desire from their women. I remember sharing an office with a guy at work for one day, and at one point during the day, his fiancée called him 5x in the span of an hr- FIVE. TIMES. I couldn’t believe it. And what I couldn’t believe more was the fact that he picked up every single time and seemed to enjoy it… well maybe not the 5th time. But my point is he probably would rather be complaining of her neediness than her not needing him at all. So I am committing myself to begin making more sacrifices for love, even if that means not seeing movies by myself 🙂
I will keep you all posted, hey one day you might read about me having my first public display of affection moment in a mall or something (you can’t see me, but my muscles actually just tensed up as I wrote that) lol
Amma, thoughts? Anything I’ve left out that you’ve noticed over the last year?? And flow charts are not necessary in this response. Thanks.