Month: February 2014

RR on Camera Rambling about Love, Sex and Marriage

RR

It’s as if we heard you before you even said it: “We want to see new selfies of you guys.” ‘We want to see y’all on camera rambling about love, dating, sex, marriage’… So, that’s exactly what we did… kinda.

Last week, RR were panelists for the AdventuresFrom Google Hangout discussion on the ‘Metamorphosis of Love’. It was fun times, so checker out below. Perhaps in the¬†future we’ll do vblogs of just the two of us ūüôā

We’ve done you a solid and shown the moments when we chimed into the discussions, just in case you don’t have time to watch the full hour sesh, you can click on the times below.

. . .

Introductions of RR and other panelists: 0:00 – 2:13

“A woman’s¬†taste buds¬†change every five years” – RR discussing their definition of love and how it has evolved 2:15- 5:45

Compromising for love – RR discussing what kind of compromises they have made in the past and generally what kind of compromises they would make for love 12:00 – 15:42

Sex Sex Sex – RR discussing whether there can be love without sex 25:34 – 28:43

What are you looking for in the future? RR discussing what they would like to say of love when they’re 80 and looking back on their lives 38:42 – 42:41

Shout it out from the Mountain top! – What RR wants to be able to yell from the mountain top about love 54:00 – 55:27

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Speaking My Language…

**We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming in honor of ¬†Valentine’s Day. Amma will post a response to Afua’s¬†Ultimate Dating Advice¬†next week, but in the meantime we’re doing a special Love Languages post for all the lovebirds!**

. . .

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“Cedrick, what are you getting your girlfriend for Vals day?”

“Hmm… Amma… I don’t even know. She is not the kind who likes flowers and so on… what do you think?”

“Oh… I don’t know. I never really celebrate Valentine’s Day. I don’t see how it would be really different from any other day. Are we going to have a different conversation from the ones we normally have at dinner? Am I going to love you more for buying me chocolates and flowers (though I do love flowers… mother was a florist, what can I say). Are you going to use this as a day to present me with tickets to go waste my life away at a fancy resort in Jamaica?! I mean… I don’t get it.”

“Eish…. Amma Noo Noo… haha! It’s just something nice to do… and since she is back in town I want to make it special, but I don’t know what she would like.”

“Well, what’s her love language?”

“Her what?”

Exactly.

Can you imagine being in a relationship with someone and neither of you speak the same language? Talk about communication problems. If you are not aware, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five love languages that we all speak. These five languages are how we like for love to be expressed to us. The languages are:

mariah-carey-touch-my-body-o

  1. Physical Touch– as in, *cue Mariah Carey’s ‘Touch My Body‘*
  2. Gifts– as in, ‘I love you so much, I bought you this new Kia Sorrento babe’
  3. Words of Affirmation– as in, Kendrick Lamar rapping ‘She Needs Me‘ to me (as I imagine he shall in the near future): “She go to work, she go to school, her body smooth, no tattoos
    Type of girl that’ll make your mother feel comfortable
    My pops love her too, she’s compatible, she’s independent
    She handle her business, she believe in God and no other religions
    She’s never in competition, when it comes to her friends, she’s dependable
    She set her own trends, a confidant, a mediator, so sweet, every flavor
    Just a conversation with her doing you a favor, look at her hips, I want to be her pager
    Conservative, affirmative, actually she relaxing in sweats and bobby pins
    The beauty of her, a blind man can see, a true queen and she needs me”
  4. Acts of Service– as in, ‘Whoa Amma, I see that you are out here working so hard… you should take a day off while I cook, clean and give you a full body massage— just cuz’
  5. Quality Time– as in, ‘Yeah I know that this Tottenham game is the difference between champions league and… well… not-champions-league, but it’s cool. I will miss the game AND post game commentary so we can take a walk along the beach while I listen to you go on about nothing really.

So after I convinced my colleague Cedrick to take the love languages quiz, I decided… it’s been a while, let me see what my love languages are. I think the great thing about little tid bits like this is that you get the right vocabulary to talk about your emotions. You also understand how, if for example your main languages are gifts and services but your partner is always just affirming you with little notes and showing you PDA, things can get a bit frustrating. So this Vals day, Afua and I thought it appropriate to highlight the love languages.

I was not surprised at all when I took the quiz and discovered my love languages… Here are mine:

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So my number one is Acts of Service and my number two is Quality Time… and at the very VERY bottom is Physical Touch (which makes ALL the sense in the world since I believe(d) that kissing guys would ultimately lead to my death (again… immigrant parents… anti-afro-american rhetoric… blah blah blah). This would also explain a lot about my general reaction to GH guys heckling me on the street screaming words of affirmation to get my attention—not. my. thing. This would also explain why I am generally most impressed with acts of sacrifice, since I think this shows above all that you value me enough to put things that are important to you aside. Ultimately, this explains why ‘traditional’ Valentine fair of gifts and hallmark cards are definitely not my thing. ¬†Either way, knowing this kind of information is a great way to save money and stress when considering Val’s day gifts… Maybe it is the traditional route of sending her flowers and gifts… but maybe its putting on an apron and getting down in the kitchen. Maybe it’s both at the same time… maybe it’s none.

After taking the quiz for myself, I naturally had to get all my ladies to take the quiz. I initially thought Afua’s would be physical touch and gifts…

I. Was. Wrong.

—-

afua.

afua.

She was wrong.

I’ve been a little late to this Love Languages movement. Although I briefly touched on it in a previous post, I never really understood the five distinct languages and had not taken the quiz to understand which were mine until Amma sent me the link. My results were¬†weird (see below), not because my number 1-4 were all clustered within a point of each other, but because they left #5 all by her lonesome self…

If you talk to my parents about when I was a baby, they will tell you I was a little odd:¬†‘She could talk plenty and just surprise you with the things that came out of her mouth, and everything she did she liked to do it for herself’. I was the child that never cried for attention or to be held…. I didn’t want you to help me, because I could do it by myself. I didn’t need to be entertained as I would camp out in my crib and just be chilling with myself. Fast forward some 25 years later, and you’ll notice that¬†nothing really has changed I am still not one that needs to be touched to express love and affection. If you really know me, you know this (clearly Amma, we’re drifting).¬†Everything (else) communicates ‘I love you’ to me far above physical touch. And let me chime in here what I mean by physical touch before people start picking up things that I HAVEN’T put down. The physical touch I’m referring to includes things like holding hands, rubbing my lower back, arms around my waist, arms around my shoulder – *these* types of physical touch don’t really sit well with my soul as much as they just irritate it.¬†I guess this is just how the good Lord saw fit to create me (note that my sister, who is 18 months older than me and was brought up in the same household as me, is not like this at all – so this isn’t a product of my upbringing).

5lovelanguage

I think on some level we all sort of ‘know’ our love languages. I remember when I lived in Italy, I used to see couples holding hands while dining at a¬†restaurant¬†and would think it was so strange, like ‘why do I have to hold your hand while we’re eating… I don’t get it…’ I would much rather hear you say how much I mean to you, and that you think the world of me, or that you’re really proud of me than be sitting there acquiring sweaty palms under the dining table. On the other side of things, I also ‘know’ that when someone I love says something really hurtful to me, it’s equally earth-shattering… but in a bad way. So this test didn’t necessarily say anything new to me, but like Amma said, it does put some vocabulary to it all. ¬†Although I knew Physical Touch would be last for me, I think what was traumatic wasn’t that it was indeed ranked last, but that it scored zero.¬†Now I know I’m definitely an anomaly not only for women, but for Africans and for the general planet as a whole, thus I am aware that I’m going to have to make a lot of sacrifices and compromises when I settle down – ¬†Self awareness is the first step, right?¬†(I just pray to God that my man’s #1 love language is not Physical Touch… because that will be problematic).

So for this valentine’s day, we want our readers to make sure they are speaking the same language as their significant others. Even if you (THINK you) know your love language (and your partner’s), it’s still a good exercise for the both of you to take the free quiz online (if you don’t have time to read the book) to understand what love really means to the both of you. Armed with this information, both of you will have a better idea of how to display affection in a way the other one can actually feel.

Here’s the link to the QUIZ >>¬†5lovelanguagesquiz

Share YOUR Love Language with us in the comments section! Or give us a story of when you were mismatched in love languages with your partner.

…and of course, we must say:

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. . .

Short Announcement

Like we promised, here’s information on the¬†AdventuresFrom¬†Google hangout that RR is participating in on Friday. If you can’t watch live, we’ll put a link up to the session next week.

Join our ‚ÄėMetamorphosis of Love‚Äô hangout on Valentine‚Äôs Day¬†

Friday, 14th February at 17:00 GMT.

The topic to be discussed is the metamorphosis of love or its perception from the African woman’s context. What were you taught about love as a young woman, and how did those concepts change if at all in various stages of life and with different experiences?

Facilitator ‚Äď Malaka (Ghana/US)

Her fab guests are:
Tosinger (Nigeria/US) Listen to her music via http://www.afrodreaming.com/home.html
Rambling Roomates (Ghana) Read their blog https://loveafrican.wordpress.com/
Tiffany (South Africa/Kenya) Check out the site she curates http://holaafrica.org/tag/holaa/
Ngosa (Zambia)Visit her blog http://mwanabaafrika.blogspot.com/

This hangout will be streamed live via this link with a recording available after the hangout via the same link. If you are on twitter follow the live tweets via @adventurefrom with the hashtag #AdSex

The Ultimate Dating Advice in Accra: Seek Ye First.

Couple announcements before I begin:

I’ve decided to put a soundtrack to this post, because it seemed highly appropriate. So heads up, there are bursts of dance breaks to GrandMaster Flash ‘The Message’¬†throughout this post. Accra may not be the jungle that NYC was in the 80’s, but sometimes it sure as hell feels like it ūüôā

Ok, that’s it. Let’s begin.

I made a new friend at the beginning of this year and when we first became intimate (which for female friendships means we began discussing our ‘men situations’), she was astonished at my dating past in Ghana. Her exact words being, “OMG, you date a lot.” I don’t, to be honest, but I do have a few colorful stories from dates I have been on in this humble city, which unnamed (1)in turn solicits such a response from people… or makes it appear that I do date a lot. So this is the inspiration behind this blog. Additionally, I did say in a previous post that we were going to have a series of conversations about dating in Accra, so here goes…

Because a number of guys I’ve been on dates with have come to know about my blog, I don’t want to expose them for their low down dirty ways¬†put their business out like that slash people have actually flat out told me, “I don’t want to appear in your blog.”¬†Ugh, fine! Why are you so sensitive? lol. I kid. Anyhoo, because I don’t want to be dubbed undateable in this dear city, before I give you a little taste of what I’ve been up against for the past year and a half, I will make a PSA that names have been changed in this post and I’ve changed up/ cut short some scenarios to save people some face, but still give you a flavor of the jungle that’s out here.

**Dance Break**: “It’s like a jungle sometimes… It makes me wonder how I keep from going under… Going under…”

I digress.

Ok, let’s start with Kofi*. Kofi and I knew each other through a few mutual friends. We exchanged numbers at some party after I came back from a temporary stint outside the country: “Oh, you’re back in the country, we should hang out.” After a couple weeks of superficial whatsapp messages and insignificant calls, we decided to see each other out. The majority of the evening was uneventful, so let’s skip to the end of the night where Kofi has kindly asked me to perform fellatio on him… Yes, you’re reading that correctly. Perform. Needless to say, I’ve stopped talking to him on all accounts that require more than a ‘Hi’ in public.

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KWASIASEM means stupid in Akan Twi.

Next we can talk about Kwame*. Who, after helping him with some professional work, decided we got along well enough to ask me out. ¬†Cool. We end up at dinner, where in the span of the first 20mins, I was asked: ‘How much I make’ ‘When’s the last time I had sex’ and ‘How many sexual partners have I had’; and the icing on the cake was being told ‘not to take offense to the line of questioning because this is just how he gets to know a girl quickly without BS’. Because #nobodysgottimeforBS. Nope, we certainly do not. You can imagine that my interactions with him subsequently¬†have followed in the same suit as Kofi.

But I must write about Kwesi*, because he is my ultimate favorite. Kwesi met me along with another friend in the same night. Separately, he sparks interest in both of us and proceeds to get some intel on the two of us from a mutual friend. Kwesi then proceeds to go on a date with both of us in the course of about a week. When Kwesi stopped calling after our date and I stopped caring reaching out after learning about the date he had with my friend (and that he’s a man whore that’ll hook up with pretty much anything with a vag- – -), it was no surprise to find out that he has most recently asked out one of my besties in Accra, who I had introduced him to for a business transaction. #supershady #noshame #youresomessy > Perhaps next time I see him, I should give him your number, Amma? LOL.

Although my engagement with Kwesi only lasted 2.5 weeks, I have stories for days with this one. The sad thing is, I like Kwesi, I have¬†had no problems with him, he’s super chill and we probably would have been cool¬†friends¬†acquaintances. I actually had a really nice date with him too, but like I told Amma… the issue with him is I didn’t know what was genuine and what was part of the game. Come to find out, it was ALL part of the game. Nana wrote in her piece that if a guy’s into his 30s and not married there’s usually a very good reason why. Kwesi is case in point of this. A leopard rarely changes his spots and a lifetime of gaming women doesn’t stop easily.¬†When I confronted Kwesi about my friend he said to me, ‘but, I thought we were cool, Afua’. << What?… Like are you mental?… My favorite is when men make you feel stupid when they’re doing super shady things. Honestly, don’t men ever get tired of gaming women…

It’s quite amusing sad that I have these (and more) colorful stories in my dating history.¬†I honestly used to shy away from telling them, because I thought they somehow reflected poorly on me… Like do I smell? How do I keep attracting the Mayor, the Sheriff and the County Judge of Loser-Ville. And all these men are returnees of sorts, seemingly nice wholesome guys upon first interaction with them, and they’re in respectable jobs about their grind. But the superficial is so deceptive, and I’ve come to realize sometimes you can’t help what knocks on the door, but you can definitely decide whether to let them in or even open the door, for that matter.

Dance break: ‘don’t.push.me.cause.I’m.close.to.the.edge.I’m.trying.not.to.lose.my.head’

Thus, my #1 advice to ladies dating in¬†Accra¬†is….

Always Always Always¬†seek counsel first. ALWAYS.¬†And do so with people who have been around for a while; in my case that is NOT my immediate circle of friends who have been here <2yrs. Do background checks with someone who returned to the country at least 5yrs ago. Let’s get a snippet of how my conversation went down with my new fav friend, who’s been here over five years (yes, I felt stupid after our conversation):

KOFI.

“Wow Afua, you got sucked in the Kofi vortex. Please seek me before you do anything stupid again. Do you know how many of my girlfriends he’s casually hooked up with, meanwhile he has Adjoa*, his longtime girlfriend he’s planning to do knocking** for soon.”

Wow. Wow. And Wow. She must be the luckiest girl in the world.

KWAME.

“Oh come on Afua, everyone knows he’s the biggest prick Accra has to offer… Leave him to the foreign girls, who find his ‘I’m such an enlightened African’ act charming”

Duly noted.

KWESI.

With Kwesi, my friend couldn’t stop laughing for about five minutes. Like five proper minutes:

“Oh little one, this boy is not serious in life. He’s gonna wake up 45 and still¬†chasing anything with a vag- – -. He is the biggest ladies man ever so what exactly made you think this would be any different with you?’

And when I kept quiet, I definitely got the side eye from her.

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Ok some random¬†pondering, I often wonder if guys ever step to their guy friends on behalf of women. As in, ‘hey dude, she’s actually good peoples, don’t mess with her if you’re not interested.’ Just pondering… Do they ever think of their sisters, mothers, best female friends, their sisters-in-law, nieces, best friend’s wives…Like don’t ‘we’ deserve better *shrug* My feeling is no, but I continue…

Given that the number of educated returnee-type 20- and 30-something yr olds is small¬†minuscule in¬†Accra, ¬†if that’s the crowd you’re dating, someone is bound to know the guy’s (or girl’s) background. And for me, as someone who didn’t grow up here and has only been ‘back’ less than two years, seeking counsel is beyond a must, particularly as the goal this year is NOT to have any colorful dating stories: as in I want the most boring dating life this year… the ‘boy meets girl, date, relationship, done’– type boring.

I have other dating tips to keep life moving along nicely in Accra, however these do not supersede rule #1.

Date outside the returnee crowd – this crowd can become an easy go to because you think these guys are more likely to be less traditional when it comes to gender roles and would be more compatible with your life experiences, but all this doesn’t necessarily lead to a good relationship (or a relationship at all).

Try a nice foreigner (who is not looking for a short term (African) good time) – maybe it’s time to try non-Ghanaians, non-Africans… non-Blacks?

Ask friends and (extended) family that YOU TRUST to be on the look out for guys they think would be a good match for you –¬†YOLO. Maybe your cousin’s friend has been eyeing you for a minute, but never thought you were interested; or maybe you’ve always gotten along with your bestie’s older brother. You never know, love could be closer than you thought.

Maybe it’s time to consider the guys you’ve kept in the friendzone – There could be possibilities there if you actually took him out of the friend zone, you know.

You may look at your exes – I know people like to say, ‘don’t look back, there’s nothing good there, always move forward’ etc, but maybe it could be that the timing was off for the two of you back then, and now that you’re in different places in your life, you could make a real go of things.

*Not real names, obviously.

** Knocking is the traditional Engagement ceremony in Ghana

See Amma’s response to this post: Clash of the Titans

**Dance Break**:¬†“It’s like a jungle sometimes… It makes me wonder how I keep from going under… Going under…**”