As we get older and (hopefully) become more self aware, we start questioning some belief systems that we’ve held on to for seemingly no reason. And this can’t be more true than my feelings for white men, well let me say ‘non-black’ men.
. . .
Like it is in many aspects of my life, when it rains, it generally pours, and the idea of being open to non-black men has been pouring down like Accra torrential rains.
Comments far and wide:
“Sometimes Afua you have to just choose happiness, even if it comes in a different
“Sometimes you can’t wait for the black man to get their act together, there’s too few of them to choose from.” See interesting clip from the show Being Mary Jane on why even the ‘good’ brothers can be problematic. But I digress, let’s keep going…
“For what you’re looking for, you’re probably going to have to cast your net wider, and by wider I mean… Non-Ghanaian, scratch that, non-African, scratch that, I mean non-black.”
…hmmm that’s awkward.
So you don’t think I can get my ‘unassuming thoughtful gentleman, progressive in thought about gender roles in the house, Jesus-loving, Bawse in the board room but isn’t afraid to let me shine and is supportive’ man in the same pigment as I?
*Long Deep Sigh*
. . .
If we take a little trip down memory lane, pre-college era, I was all about non-black men. Blame it on my surroundings (much of that time was spent growing up in Canada… eh), but there just weren’t many black men period. Think about having five black kids in my school at one point, two being me and my sistren . Now add in having a connection to them. So to say it was slim pickings would be the understatement of the century. Moving to the US in the middle of high school and then going to college in the US opened my eyes to a whole new world: Black men ‘like me’! As in coming from a similar background… Whether African or not, they had similar family values and educational consciousness. Eureka, I had struck gold! However, as time has gone by I’m realizing this pool of men are still… Just. Men. And that ‘gold’ still needs refining.
Even moving to the continent now. One would think I would have struck even more gold, particularly among the returnee crowd, but Lord only knows what’s been
our My Experience. So the million dollar question becomes ‘what happens if what you’re looking for ISN’T looking for you?’ Whether it’s because they’re already married, they don’t actually exist, or are attracted to a different type of woman (white women, less career-oriented women, more traditional women, younger women? [slot in any and everything else I’m not]). Welt, if you’re not the person the person you’re looking for is looking for then perhaps it could be time to change what you’re looking for *shrug*. And I think we singles have heard this general piece of advice several times over (particularly as we inch closer and closer to 30). However, I think we’ve always assumed this means scaling down on the character asks, and not changing the color of a person’s outside shell.
. . .
I love black men. And if y’all have any doubts from my posts, let me say it again: I. Love. Black. Men. I don’t think there’s anything more sexy than a strong black man taking care of his business, loving his family and serving his God. However, if *that* man isn’t checking for me, maybe it’s time I switch out the packaging and maybe get my swirl on!
Now there are so many considerations while making this sort of declaration (publicly).
First off: I must admit I do not even know the first thing about being with a white man . Yes yes, I’ve had this conversation with a few ppl in the last few weeks, and the first response is ‘duh men are men, it’s the same as being with a black man’, but hold up one minute. Hold on. It’s NOT the same. Can me and a white guy talk about the same stuff, freely? Listen to the same things, go the same places… freely? Hmmm, honestly speaking I don’t even know anything about the initial step: how do you flirt with a white man? And I know y’all are laughing (or completely side-eying me), but I’m dead serious. How do I know if a white man is flirting with me?!? *eyes look left, eyes look right* I mean I’ve met white guys that I found attractive inside and out, but I never really knew what they thought of me. It’s more so because every positive vibe I get from a non-black man is cataloged as friends-vibe. Maybe it’s because my eyes aren’t even open to the possibility that a white man would be checking for me mixed with a combination of me not putting out (non-verbal) vibes that I’m into white men.
And this is all just real talk, RR.
Some other serious considerations include: ‘How do I know it’s not a weird black girl fetish thing that’s going on?’ Remember, I live in Africa and the pool from which you’re working with in terms of white men generally goes as follows: “the short term contractor; the short term or (sometimes weird) long term development type- who lives a transient lifestyle…” Overall there’s a general ‘passing through’ or I’m a little-off vibe I get with them here. You don’t just get your regular ol’ guy living and working in Africa, but I just happen to be white- vibe. no offense.
Another consideration is family and culture. And I’m not talking about mine, because Praise the Almighty on High that I have a progressive family who even for the majority of my life thought I would end up with a white boy. They don’t see any issue with marrying outside of ones race. However, it’s the general culture here that poses issues. One, when you see a mixed race couple in these parts, with the woman being black, it’s a certain type of relationship… Of more the transactional nature than true ”mutual’ love. Secondly, I’m outsider. And I’ve been fighting it forever ‘me y3 ghanaiani!’*, but I’ve now come to terms with it that I. am. culturally. an. outsider. Even though my name is Afua, my default thought process is not that of a typical Ghanaian. As such, I’ve desired to marry someone who isn’t a complete outsider like me. It’s stupid and probably childish, but I’m just being real…. Sue me.
I’m not sure if y’all watched the Being Mary Jane season 3 finale [Spoiler Alert Ahead]. However, when she breaks up with her white boyfriend, she says the ultra real words of: “I don’t want to have to explain everything to you.” And that is so real. And for me we’re not just talking about ‘black issues’, we’re talking of the African/Ghanaian ones too. I remember a few Christmases ago we were at a family friend’s place and their daughter, a woman with a very similar profile to me, had brought home her white husband. Cool. He was chill. We had no issues with him as he tried his best to welcome all aspects of our Ghanaian culture. But I distinctly remember a conversation everyone was having in the living room one day and I remember every few seconds she having to whisper some subtle explanation of what was going on. It’s whenever I think about that, that I’m just like…
… I… Just…
… … …. I… … Just
Chale… Me sef**… Half the time I’M the outsider needing explaining of why this is rude in Ghana; why we have to do this as protocol, even though it makes no God awful sense; why respect and traditionalism is more important than efficiency or doing the most logical thing… #butthatsnoneofmybusiness …
So to now come bring you an outsider into my plight. …I …Just… can’t… *deep sigh*
I mean is it wrong to want to be with someone who doesn’t need explaining along with me?
I think I’ll stop things here for now. I want to know if y’all have any thoughts for me, RR. Do you agree with anything I’ve said, or do you have advice on how all my insignificant items of concern are probably holding back my entire quest for true love? Or perhaps you want to tell me that I should move to Europe, which apparently is the new mecca for black girls wanting good white men… and I’m not joking, see here, here, and here.
*Translation of twi phrase: I’m Ghanaian
**Translation of pigeon phrase: Me myself
That moment you realize you’re down with the swirl- I love this clip from Facebook.