I was listening to a podcast recently— The Africanist. It was a really good episode about spirituality. At the end of each episode, the all male panel have a very interesting segment called “Respect or Nah” where they decide whether or not a current event is worthy of their respect… or nah. In this case, the event was Russell Wilson’s engagement to Ciara and the hosts were debating whether or not they respected Russell’s decision to wife Ciara. I winced numerous times during the conversation, but what really killed me was the way in which Ayesha Curry was put up against Ciara in this epic battle of ‘worthiness of marriage’. *Sigh*
So here’s what Ciara’s caricature looks like:
- Man eating whore with a child, thereby proving her whoredom…
- Sleeps with rappers
- Other things whores do, because she has a child out of wed lock so she is one— a whore that is (…pure logic)
Here’s what Ayesha Curry’s caricature looks like:
- All around good girl
- And she’s “bad”
- Mother, wife, cheerleader, supporter, comforter, friend
- Not. a. whore.
After they had built these two caricatures, a majority, if not all, of the members of the podcast agreed that they all wanted— NAY — deserved an Ayesha Curry. LOL! Imagine!
So I first had to ask them (as I was driving and speaking
with a slightly elevated voice at my iPhone): Are you Stephan Curry?!?!
In case you are confused by the question, here’s how to know if you are:
- En route to becoming/ currently are a millionaire before your 30th birthday?
- Attended Christian youth group meetings in high school?
- Willing to be with one girl during your college years (at a time when you could have literally had every single girl in the world)?
- Willing to marry *that* same girl at a time when you are en route to becoming a legend in whatever your field of human endeavor?
- Confident in yourself and your life trajectory by the age of 23?
- Working tirelessly at your giftings and craft?
Generally indifferent about the need to consistently get a shape up for public appearances?
It is VERY likely that of the aforementioned criteria, you maaaaaaybe fit
half a third one of them… And that is the one about your hair line (because we are all doing the whole Wknd, beard gang, no shape up life these days, so yeah…) And so how horrible would I be to say that because you don’t fit the standards listed above, you should never be able to wife an Ayesha (whatever that even means…)? But that’s what people have done to Ciara. So maybe Future was a bad partner… And unfortunately she did have his child, but should she not get to be with an “alleged” good guy like Russell Wilson because of that? Because the truth of the matter is, that if I am employing the same logic to the guys on the podcast (and those that share their same sentiments), I am almost 300% certain that you all are or were in fact a Ciara-cature (as we shall call it from this point forward), so how come you deserve an ‘Ayesha’?
This then leads me to my next question: Weren’t you a Ciara-cature all through your 20’s? *Pause and reflect*. Some time back, Afua wrote a post about being the girl who comes right before a guy has his ‘come to Jesus’ moment. It’s this idea that guys can go out into the world and demolish hearts and minds and souls and bodies— and then rise from the ashes they have created and ‘rightfully’ marry a Michelle Obama of their choosing. The issue is that men don’t have to carry the physical manifestations of a one night stand gone wrong (aka pregnancy). And some can even have children and be so distant from them that it’s as if they do not have them at all. In essence, a guy’s sexual history isn’t necessarily on display if they don’t have the children to show for it.
I hate the Ciara-cature that has been created, because after all, anyone could get pregnant when having sex. And everyone has a relationship with characters they are ashamed of. But unlike the Reggie Bush’s, Ray J’s and Chris Humphries of the world, they can move on in their lives from those shameful exes. Just because Ciara was impregnated by her shameful past of a boyfriend in a public setting doesn’t make her any different from many young people just ‘relationshipping’ today (minus the million dollar ring and private island vacations and all). In fact, in the most recent issue of Essence magazine, Ciara had some really interesting things to say about her past and her commitment to her faith and moving on from her mistakes. If nothing else, she has learned not to lower her standard and to focus on herself and child. Who wouldn’t want to be with someone who is resilient and focused and a better person because of the choices they’ve made. Isn’t that the height of maturity?!
Real Queen of Dragons
Ride or Die goals… or nah?
people will say, well what I love about Ayesha is how ride- or- die she is. And it’s not really just
about her modesty, but it’s about the fact that she stans
for her man. *four. drawn. out. slow. claps* WOW. Have you not met your mother? Or your aunties? Or cousins? Living on the continent where polyamory is still very much the order of the day? How much did our mothers have to put up with in the way of disrespect? And they stuck it through… Some even managed to make it through the mid life crisis periods where their husbands had not one, but two small girl(friend)s. How much more loyal does that get? People idolize Ayesha’s commitment and fangirling of her husband as if she’s the first and best to ever do it. Thing is, it’s undeniably clear that if Steph wasn’t who he was, she probably couldn’t be to him what she is [if in doubt about what that is, revisit the ‘Are you Steph Curry’ questions above]. It’s interesting because I find that when guys speak of the “ride- or- die chick” here, they mean someone who will allow them to
be… Whoever they want all the time with little care for your feelings and expectations. How does this even compare? And so the question here is– why should I ride or
die for you
? Because if you are the Future to my Ciara-cature then how is that even fair? And people think Future’s cheating and lying and general uselessness is the only way to be a Future-cature (too much? I know lol!). But it’s also about your (lack of) sense of self, drive and ambitions, dedication to building a strong family
— where are these sensibilities?
So let’s say you have asked yourself all of these questions, and you think— I am still a decent guy, so I deserve
an Ayesha. My last and final question is a nod to the following point: many of the guys making these comments would have preferred a Ciara-cature in their prime than an Ayesha. So then I have to ask: Would you have dated an Ayesha at the time that Steph dated her? Cuz there were MAD 19 year old Ayeshas with braces and Bibles in college that you turned out or turned down. Remember?? *Pause and reflect.*
Here’s the thing.
I like Ayesha Curry.
She’s made it cool to be this super corny cute chick that values modesty and a good lip sync moment. She’s committed to her values and she loves her family. She’s taken a stand and she’s unashamed. That being said, Ayesha Curry’s exist en masse… like pressed down, shaken together, running over abundance! But. What. The. World. Needs. More. Of. Are. The. Stephs.
So if you are a man out in the world and believe you ‘deserve’ an Ayesha Curry, consider your role in your current Ayesha-less reality… and leave the Ciara-catures out of your analysis. Because what everyone deserves is to be with someone who is trying to be the best version of themselves… and that could look like Ciara or Ayesha— if you’re a Russell or Steph, that is.
What are your thoughts? Sound off below!