heartbreaker

Lessons from a Former Heart Breaker: Part2

photo (3)Let’s continue from where I left off HERE. There are a few things I’ve picked up from my former heart breaking ways, and I thought I would share:

1. Do not be fooled by the act, men are emotional too.

Although it manifests itself differently (and perhaps less frequently), men are also emotional- and I would dare say that when they’re emotional, the intensity can be much more than women. In my former life, I used the phrase, ‘he’s a man, he’ll be alright/ he’ll get over it’ a little too much… But the truth is he might not get over it (for a while). And just because he may not discuss it anymore, doesn’t mean he’s gotten over it. Men don’t have a memory like women in terms of breath, but they have memory in terms of depth (for the things they want to remember). So when you’re treating him anyhow and thinking it doesn’t matter, think again…

2. Break it off quick and as painless as possible when you’re not feeling it anymore.

Dragging something out that you know won’t work is bad for all parties. This is usually where I get into trouble. Leading a man on inadvertently, even if you’ve had a conversation to end it, creates mixed messages. This includes, but is not limited to: continuing to text/whatsapp/call (or respond), and continuing to see him. Actions speak louder than words and human brings men just need a little attention to rev back up… especially if its physical/sexual attention. We women have an almost unfair advantage because of our autonomy (and the effect it has on men) so we shouldn’t use it irresponsibly. Sometimes you need to be the strong-willed one for the both of you.

3. No matter how small social circles can be, stay away run with all fear and trembling from people within close networks.

Don’t do friends or extended family. I find that men are sensitive about this stuff way more than women are… I think it’s something to do with their territorial instincts. The thing is their feelings won’t manifest in the same way (see #1), but one day it might just blow up in your face. As difficult as this can be in African cities where the number of eligible 20- and 30- somethings is minuscule and everyone knows everyone, just try to play in different sandboxes as much as possible.

Teacher at Chalkboard

4. There are some unforgiveables, such as family.

*Le sigh*. I think I wrote about this from the woman’s perspective once, but on the flip side know your man and what his no-go areas are. That childhood memory you are not to mention, or that estranged relationship you should never bring up, just don’t. If a man trusts you enough to open up and share something with you and you use it against him, best believe there will be consequences to your actions. I’ve seen men go back to women who cheated on them while cutting off with the quickness and with no warning a girl who spoke (in their minds) negatively about their mama’s, plain and simple. So just don’t do it (see #1 again).

5. And, speaking of cheating. There will ALWAYS be a double standard applied when it comes to cheating.

There are no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it, a woman cheating will always be a bigger deal than a man cheating. Women, please advise yourselves: loyalty and commitment are just as more important to some men.

6. And along those lines, exclusivity does not have to be explicitly stated for some men (see territorial piece again).

“Well I didn’t know this was exclusive, we’re just hanging out, right…?” You can see why folks I get in trouble here.

7. Ladies is pimps too, period.

I don’t need to elaborate.

Not all the things I’ve picked up on the way are applicable to me, I’ll say. And to redeem myself a little from my earlier admissions: though I am a little more calculated and a little less emotional than most females, I have been in love before. Despite what some exes people believe, I am not a robot. When I do fall for someone, I become more estrogen-esque. I’m working on things though, because I know men people need attention and affirmation. And even though men complain about women nagging, there’s a healthy level of neediness that they desire from their women. I remember sharing an office with a guy at work for one day, and at one point during the day, his fianc√©e called him 5x in the span of an hr- FIVE. TIMES. I couldn’t believe it. And what I couldn’t believe more was the fact that he picked up every single time and seemed to enjoy it… well maybe not the 5th time. But my point is he probably would rather be complaining of her neediness than her not needing him at all. So I am committing myself to begin making more sacrifices for love, even if that means not seeing movies by myself ūüôā

I will keep you all posted, hey one day you might read about me having my first public display of affection moment in a mall or something (you can’t see me, but my muscles actually just tensed up as I wrote that) lol

Amma, thoughts? Anything I’ve left out that you’ve noticed over the last year?? And flow charts are not necessary in this response. Thanks.

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Lessons from a Former Heartbreaker

photo (3)Those that know me have come to the conclusion that in my semi-distant past, I would have been characterized as a heart breaker. It never started out intentional, however for some reason the track record kept growing.¬†Ironically, I’ve always been scared that men would ping me as a ‘career woman who thinks she doesn’t need a man’, but I’m seeing the reverse to be true… to a fault. I think that guys, for some reason, have more traditional expectations of female behavior from me, however once folks get into the situation they get a number of shocks. Here are a few:

1.) It’s hard for me to share my feelings… It’ll be a while till I open up to you. Along those lines, I don’t say things like: ‘I miss you’ ‘I need you’ and ‘I love you’ by heart. This can be problematic with Ghanaian men, because they have this thing of telling you when every time they miss you (and then asking you if you miss them)… errrm surre? *side-eye*. It takes a lot for me to tell you how I feel about you. A lot.

2.) I’ll be honest with you sometimes forgetting to take your feelings into account – isn’t it better u know the truth anyways… *shrug*

3.) To me, monogamy occurs after a conversation. So if that conversation hasn’t occurred, don’t be shocked if you’re not treated as ‘My boo’.

4.) Sometimes I can be selfish, and not even realize it… But it’s not because I’m meaning to, or wanting to hurt you, it’s because I genuinely am used to being by myself and doing things how and when I want to. And no shade here, just being real. I had a guy once get upset with me because I went to see a movie alone… like without him. Like..God forbid..

5.) I rarely show those kind of quote unquote girlie clinginess characteristics (and when I say rarely, I mean. like. never.)… It’s just not in my nature. I don’t even have to talk to you everyday. Just as long as I know you’re mine and I’m yours, I’m good. Likewise, PDA… it’s very minimal for me. And when you’re not with me, interrogative questions of who you with, what are you doing, why are you hanging out with that person, why are you friends with that person, etc are not my¬†modus operandi. Asking for things: buy me this, buy me that, do this for me…no. Even if you’re mine, you could very well be the last person I ask for help from because I hate inconveniencing people (we already know I have a problem asking for help. I’m working on it)

6.) If you start drifting away, I don’t plead/beg/chase/fight/cry for you to come back… Actually I usually just assist you along by halting communication with you. *shrug*

7.) No man has ever seen me cry.

polls_heartbreaker_5820_241337_poll_xlargeIn general, looking at traditional female behavior in relationships, I come across rather indifferent/cold borderline heartless. I think I take that whole “guard your heart” thing a little too far. I am working on some of these character flaws traits… But I am a really sweet person down inside, I promise.¬†smiley

So I got a couple reads recently from people who don’t know me in this capacity. I won’t say the people were spot on, but I was shocked at their takes on me. ¬†And let me say this before I continue: I do not swear (like this) and the only reason this is being quoted verbatim is because it would lose a lot of character if i didn’t… parental advisory is advised:

After not giving my cousin-in-law-to-be a good enough reason for ending it with Mr. chink in the armor guy, he said:

You look like you don’t give a f*&!, like you’re the type of girl who doesn’t get f*%!ed, you do the f*cking…

Yikes!

Then to our new friend a few weeks ago. When asked to describe me and Amma after only knowing us for 20mins, he said of me:

You look like you’re too confident for your own good, you probably break hearts left and right, and don’t even blink.

Ouch. I hadn’t even said but two sentences to the guy at that point.

Am I that transparent??

To bring it closer to home, one of my best guy friends once asked me, ‘why are you like a man?’ *shrug* idk maybe it’s a product of moving around a lot, I responded… it’s easier to cut off people/let people go…

Whatever the reason is, perception is reality right… even if I don’t believe these three reads are entirely accurate… I shall come clean and say I used to have a problem of breaking hearts (self-awareness is the first step). However, I am, with the support of loved ones like Amma, recognizing my areas of improvement ¬†& moving away from such a lifestyle. In any case, there are a few things I’ve picked up from my former practices, and I thought I would share, starting with number 1:

man-stop-sign

SIKE… this post is long enough already, tune-in in a coupla days for my lessons learned.

Part 2 of Lessons from a Former Heart Breaker can be found HERE.