poll

Don’t Let Your Man See You Putting on Spanx!

I recently discovered the blog Mind of Malaka, and it has become one of my new forms of entertainment. Malaka is a Ghanaian blogger based in the US who writes about marriage, motherhood, and madness! In a post that I stumbled upon: “Spousal Stimulation Does Not Always Equal Arousal’, Malaka discusses things married couples do, which single people would not understand (or people who are just dating). I thought the piece was quite disturbing  hilarious, so I had to share.  Malaka’s piece is a stark contrast to another article I was reading, which discusses a woman’s need for a little mystery in her relationship, ie. women should never let their men see them ‘putting on spanxs’ (or shaving their moustaches, tweezing their eyebrows or beards, or engaging in any act that relates to grooming, maintenance, and bodily functions the bathroom). I wonder if the latter is an old school of thought, while the other is the new norm for committed relationships. Before you jump to say that you have a history of being very open with your significant other, let’s run down Malaka’s list, shall we?

Let me also quote Malaka before I run through the list: “Let’s face it: there are things married folks do that people in casual relationships would never even permit, even as a passing thought.  The bonds of matrimony are (supposed to be) that strong.” Here we go…

“1.Kissing your spouse in the mouth first thing in the morning without brushing your teeth.

2.Taking a dump in the same room while your spouse brushes his/her teeth.

3.Picking your spouse’s pimples and blackheads. (I admit, I happily did this when any guy I was dating would allow me to. Nothing makes my day like hearing a pimple go *squish!*)

4.Shaving each other’s pubic hairs

5.Cleaning up your spouse’s poo if he/she was too sick to get to the toilet immediately.

6.Cleaning up your spouse’s puke if he/she got carsick after a long trip.

7.Calling from the checkout line to ask if the “absorbency on these sanitary towels are the right level”.

8.Asking if the other party has gum, and being responded to with a partially chewed piece from the other person’s mouth.

9.Lying in bed playing the “make a new sentence with the last word of my sentence” game. (This is actually really fun!)

10.Farting in the middle of a heated conversation and carrying on like it never happened while the other person stares in disbelief before eventually fleeing the scene of the stink.

11.Scratching your butt, waving your fingers in your husband’s face and asking him if it smells like chocolate and/or roses.

12.Fighting over who gets to hide from the children in the attic.”

Still singing the same song??? OH me, OH my. On one hand, it’s great(?) that people can be so comfortable around each other, but I do wonder how one can keep up the sex appeal when you’re squishing the pimple of your spouse? Or scratching your …. let me stop. lol. I’d be interested to hear her husband chime in on the discussion. Given that guys are so visual, I wonder how seeing your wife take a dump while you’re brushing your teeth affects your relationship… or maybe it doesn’t at all…???

Regarding the other article, I wouldn’t agree with the author’s grand-old neighbor, who believes it is a sin to let your man see you “in a face mask, rollers or housecoat.” However, I agree that my desire to see my ‘other half’s ablutions or maintenance tricks, or for him to see mine’ is very low. Also, let’s point out that labors of love, such as #5 and #6 on Malaka’s list, don’t fall in the same category as say, #8…

What do you think? Better for the two of you to be ‘one’ for all intents and purposes, or are there some things that are best kept to yourself — POLL BELOW!

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I recently moved to a new city, and last weekend a friend of mine took me out to explore the town. We ended up at a nice local spot after dinner, and it was there that something very interesting happened to me. Of course I had to blog about it 🙂

For most of the night, my friend and I were sitting at a table where there were two empty seats. At one point during the evening, one of the hostesses approached me and asked if it would be alright if two ladies came and sat in the two open seats at our table. ‘Ya, that’s fine with me… why would I have a problem with that?’ At that point in the night the place was getting quite crowded, so of course it would make sense to offer up the seats. Without any thought, I turned over to my friend and asked him if he would mind if two ladies came and sat in the two open seats (I wasn’t sure if any additional people were going to join us). He said he was fine with it, so I told the hostess that we didn’t mind. She then asked me a second time, and explained to me with emphasis that they were the ‘two ladies in the corner’, making sure to point out who she was talking about. Again without any hesitation, I repeated to her that it was fine, they could come sit with us. It was not until she walked away that things started setting in… ‘why did she come up to only ME?’- she knew my friend very well (he’s a regular at the spot)… ‘why was she so set on explaining to me that it was two ladies in the corner who wanted to sit in the two seats’- as if it mattered who needed the seats. In any case, about 20min later when the two seats were still empty, my friend asked the hostess what happened to the two ladies, and her response brought so much clarity to the situation:

“It is not right for me to bring two ladies over here when you are with a lady already.”

My friend relayed her response to me, and we chuckled. I think I had more of a good laugh about the situation because of my own personal take on these things.

First, my friend and I were not on a date, and second, and more importantly, even if we were together, I wouldn’t have batted an eye if two ladies sat next to us at a table. I appreciate that this hostess respected me enough to “protect” me from those ladies who could have possibly made a pass at ‘my man’ (or perhaps she was protecting me from ‘my man’ making a pass at one of the ladies), but honestly if a man is going to step out of the relationship, how much can you really do to prevent it? My friend and I ended up having a lengthy conversation about the whole situation. He understood the point I was making, but he also explained the idea that there are two sets of men: men who cheat and men who are about to cheat. The latter being the majority of men. Even good guys can stray, so there’s no point in creating more opportunities for them to do so. Fair enough, but if you’re with a woman and can’t control yourself, then what does ‘grabbing your hand when a pretty girl walks into the room’ or ‘not allowing two ladies to sit at our table’ really do? …I dunno perhaps there’s such a thing as being too trusting?… or being too naive?

In the same way, I never really understand why women confront the ‘other woman’ when they suspect cheating (with the argument that ‘you should respect me as a woman’). Isn’t that something the woman should be addressing with her man? He should be respecting you as his mate, no? Is a man not grown enough to do the right thing? A close friend of mine told me that early on in her relationship with her boyfriend, she had to set him straight a few times after he had gone and acted a little crazy  …checking out girls with his friends while she was around, errmmm…?? But after she set him straight regarding what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior, he knew what the deal was. I’m obviously simplifying their situation, but in essence shouldn’t you be dealing with these issues in-house?

When I think about the other side of things though, it is nice when a man lets another man know you’re his, even with a small gesture. Not sure how men feel when women do the same. What do you think? Is it different for men and women? Do men want women to act territorial? Should women be territorial about their men, or should you just be confident in your relationship? …you know I love my polls! Let me know!

Poll [Results] Wednesday – 12/7/2011

Before I disclose the results, I want to say a special Happy Birthday to Bandeka Co-Founder, Tunde Kehinde!

Cheating: Does The How Make A Difference?*

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*The original poll was posted on November 18th, 2011: https://loveafrican.wordpress.com/2011/11/18/cheating-does-the-how-make-a-difference/ 

Poll [Results] Wednesday – 11/23/2011

If You Want To Be Married By A Certain Age, Is It Better To Be Alone Or Settle?*

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*The original poll was posted on October 28th, 2011: https://loveafrican.wordpress.com/2011/10/28/is-it-better-to-be-alone-or-to-settle/

The closeness of this poll prompts me to tip the scale. SETTLE, I say! SETTLE! Well really, Lori Gottlieb says so in her ‘Marry Him!‘ article. Gottlieb, a single (and never been married) 40-year old woman presents some good arguments for why women should settle in her piece.

Gottlieb begins her article by explaining that she hasn’t always been a proponent of settling, however now at 40, her views have changed: marrying mr. good enough is a viable option if “you’re looking for a stable reliable life companion.” She claims that the idea of settling is uncomfortable because people have developed the belief that a good romantic relationship is what makes a good marriage (and that there must be some divine spark). However, “once you’re married, it’s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it’s about whom you want to run a household with.” She then likens marriage to a pragmatic partnership: “Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business.” Interesting analogy. To Gottlieb, her own interactions with her married friends only confirm this, because even though her friends complain about their marriages, they would rather feel alone in a marriage than to actually BE alone.

They, like me, realize that marriage ultimately isn’t about cosmic connection—it’s about how having a teammate, even if he’s not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all.

It’s better to have that decent guy to take out the trash and provide a second income, which allows you to spend more time with your kids instead of working 60hrs a week to support a family by yourself (Gottlieb recently had a child through a sperm donor). To her, marriage should be similar to the roles depicted by the TV characters Will and Grace…

” What I long for in a marriage is that sense of having a partner in crime. Someone who knows your day-to-day trivia. Someone who both calls you on your [BS] and puts up with your quirks”…so what if Will was gay and his relationship with Grace was platonic.

Gottlieb notes that settling is mostly a women’s issue, because men settle less and, when they do, they are less bothered by the idea. Gottlieb’s own guy friend justified marrying a quote unquote bland wife who is a good mom (but someone he shares little connection with) by saying: “I think one-stop shopping is overrated. I get passion at my office with my work, or with my friends that I sometimes call or chat with—it’s not the same, and, boy, it would be exciting to have it with my spouse. But I spend more time with people at my office than I do with my spouse.” …Interesting. I’m not sure how I would feel if my spouse honestly felt that way about me. What about you?

I don’t agree with everything Gottlieb is saying, particularly because she speaks of marriage primarily in the context of having children (and not all marriages include children), but I do agree that ‘settling’ gets a bad rap mostly because it is defined incorrectly. Really in the end, “Everyone settles to some degree. You might as well settle pragmatically.”

So for the 54% of you who answered ‘be alone’, does this change your mind? Is marriage really like a game of musical chairs like Gottlieb says— do you have to take a seat, any seat, just so you’re not left standing alone?

[POLL] Cheating: Does The ‘How’ Make A Difference?

It seems so appropriate for Bandeka to showcase ‘Why Men Cheat?’ on PillowTalk this week. If you haven’t already, MAKE SURE TO GO TO THE SITE (www.bandeka.com) and check out some of the honest responses we received from men over the last month.

I saw two stories yesterday that were really interesting. First, Demi Moore is divorcing Ashton Kutcher after allegations of cheating. Ashton continues to maintain his innocence, but I wonder whether cheating is defined the same between the two parties. Not saying that this is the case here, but sometimes men and women have different definitions of cheating.

The second story that I saw was Shaq discussing his infidelity during his marriage to Shaunie O’Neil. The two were married for seven years, and in regards to his cheating he said:

 “In my mind, I never did it disrespectfully…”

This goes right back to my post earlier this week. Is there a respectful way to cheat? What is it about the way in which someone cheats that makes it better or worse? I really want to know what you all think. Take our poll below!

UPDATE: Not that I have anything against Kat Von D, but I wanted to make a quick observation from this article about cheating. For those of you that don’t know, Kat Von D recently broke off her engagement to Jesse James (previously married to Sandra Bullock, and cheated on her too). This article talks about Kat’s realization that some men won’t ever change (James allegedly cheated on Von D with 19 women). And to put it in her words:

“There was a time when I was confident and excited at proving the world wrong, because I believed so deeply in people’s ability to change for the better.”

Perhaps HIS is an example of cheating disrespectfully????

ALSO, If you have yet to see Bandeka’s feature on CP-Africa this week- check it out, retweet it, and share it with your facebook friends! http://www.cp-africa.com/2011/11/17/invitation-only-dating-by-bandeka-com-talking-with-co-founder-tunde-kehinde/